Peter’s Patter - Apply yourself

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For the first time in 26 years I have had to fill in a job application and oh boy have they changed a lot since then?

Being from west of Scotland I was expecting my first application form to read “What team do you support?” but thankfully it didn’t. It just went along the usual lines of qualifications, experience and hobbies.

So after writing ‘some’, ‘none’ and ‘fitba’ it was hardly surprising that I never got called back for an interview.

I eventually honed my technique and was soon writing eloquently on how dedicated I would be if given the opportunity and how I loved to wander the hills with a lassie by my side.

I was soon receiving offers here, there and everywhere before eventually landing on Lewis, fresh faced and eager as a beaver.

Fast forward 26 years and no-one seems to care about my hobbies anymore which is a bit unfair as I have picked up quite a few since then including this very column. I could have won a bronze, bob-sleighing medal for Britain and it wouldn’t make a jot of difference.

These days you cannot even let them know whether you are male or female. I could be a reclusive hermit living on the beach with a beard so long I could knit it into a scarf yet the person reading my application form might think I was Lady Ga Ga.

Nowadays they ask you to sell yourself. “Yours for £40,000 a year mate!” might not be what they want to hear but it drives me nuts coming up with answers to some of their questions.

How difficult must it be for someone who has been out of work for a long time with failed application after failed application to come up with an answer for this question ‘Why do you want to work for us?’ His tear stained application form might be a clue.

The desire to write flippant answers is something I always struggle with. ‘Where do you see yourself in 5 years?’ I just want to write down ‘Well if I had a Tardis I would nip off and let you know when I get back’ or ‘in the mirror like everybody else!’

Despite the stupidity of the questions I eventually managed to fill the form in which took some time but at least I remembered to check my spelling.

Please do not rely on the spell checker on your computer as this will not pick up any mistakes where your mistake is actually another word which is why some poor unfortunate person wrote this:

“I have applied for sex jobs since last summer!”

At least I hope it was a typo?