Peter’s Patter - so here it is!

Tis the season to be jolly and by that I mean dressing up, stuffing your face with turkey, glugging down Prosecco and heading into town for the big Christmas night out.

Yep, the office party season should be in full swing by now which will come as huge relief to pubs and clubs throughout the islands.

Hopefully by now the ladies will have chosen which dress they are actually wearing on their night out? Please don’t take that as a sexist comment, it’s just that I nearly broke my leg tripping over a mountain of return packages at Woody’s!

Honestly it was like Santa’s Grotto sponsored by Next. I have never seen so many Next items in the one place and it doesn’t take Miss Marple to work out what was in the box packages or the ones with a coat hanger sticking out of them!

Don’t even think of returning the outfit after the night out as the chances of it remaining clean are extremely slim. Anyone who has been in the Golf club for a Christmas shindig will know what I mean but hopefully everyone will have a fantastic time, but as an old hand with over 30 Christmas parties under his belt please heed the following sage advice.

1. Pace yourself. Only contractors and the Comhairle go on the lash from sun up till sun down.

They have the experience so leave them to it, and besides they can be extremely funny after a few libations. I remember watching one of Neil Mackay’s crew take 10 minutes to play one shot at pool. Apparently the table kept moving.

2. Print a card with your name and address clearly on it. This will make the taxi drivers life a lot easier as even though I think I am clearly saying Vatisker, all he hears is Vasha. This can be a big issue for those in Tolsta Chaolais who could end up 30 miles from home.

3. Dancing. Please try not to dance by yourself. This means you are very, very drunk. I would also advice against drinking and dancing as this is how fights start. If your pint runneth over then you might need to runneth away.

4. Enunciation. This has nothing to do with Angel Gabriel telling Mary she is about to have a baby (that’s Annunciation).

No, this is to make sure that you are able to be understood as the night progresses. When ‘sorry’ becomes ‘schrry’ it might be time to think about getting that taxi home.

5. The homecoming. Who knows when you will get home but please make sure that it is actually your home that you are trying to get into. Enjoy!