Peter’s Patter - Wakey, wakey!

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It was bad enough during school time when I would run around the house trying to get them into the car, which was like an episode of One Man and his Dog as I tried every trick in the book to round them up and chase them from the bedroom to the bathroom and finally into the garage.

In fact the BBC should ditch the old format and replace it with One Man and his Wife, where parents have to wake up their children before steering them through a set of challenges like eating their breakfast and brushing their teeth. I’d watch that!

Anyway, now the kids are on holiday waking them up is mission impossible. In fact, waking up Lazarus would have been a whole lot easier.

Honestly, the first thing I do these days is put a mirror in front of them just to make sure they are breathing.

My wife and I could run into their rooms naked shouting “Fire, fire!” and neither of them would bat an eyelid.

What else can I try? Should I take a leaf out of Tom and Jerry’s book and rush into their room and whack them on the head with the largest frying pan I can find or should I take a more romantic view and line up a Prince or two to kiss them on the lips and awaken them from their slumber.

Or should I nip online and start pricing cattle prods on EBay!

If only Wallace and Gromit were real then I could buy their whacky gadgets that would tilt the bed up and slide them into their clothes before transporting them to the breakfast table before throwing them out a human cat-flap just in time for the school bus.

My ultimate gadget would have to be the tannoy system from the Loch Seaforth. Whenever we go away they are always roused from their sleep on the ship chairs (try saying that quickly!) by the announcement that we have just reached Ullapool. Wouldn’t that be a great addition to any household?

“Bing, bong. This is your father speaking, Get your lazy backside out of bed now before I come down there and set fire to your quilt.

“The cafeteria is now open for breakfast and the toilet is available before your other sister gets up. Failte and thank you for living with the O’Donnell family. This tape will self-destruct in 10 seconds!”

All suggestions are welcome but in the meantime I am going to transport my daughter, bed and all, into the garden so when she wakes up she will think that the house has blown away. Worth a try!