Peter’s Patter - What’s on the menu?

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If anyone watched the recent Masterchef series on BBC1 they could be forgiven for thinkaing “Does anyone really eat this stuff?”

I don’t have the time to go through the exact menu (3 meals with 36 components) but it can be summed up as octopus for starters, pigeon served two ways for the main and a lemon posset with lime air to finish.

I am not trying to say that this wouldn’t taste nice but sometimes I just don’t get why the food we eat every day never features on Masterchef? Maybe it’s just like fashion shows and in several years from now we will all be sitting down to heritage carrots, watercress purée and limoncello pistachio crumb. I seriously doubt it though.

As a kid from a council estate I did not even know you could eat an octopus till I was 25 years old. I was also reluctant to eat pigeon as my granda’s neighbour had a Doo hut and believe me that would put you off them for ever.

As for lemon posset with a lime air, if I suggested that they had that on our school canteen I would have spent four years with my head down the boys toilet!

I have tried to imagine Masterchef coming to our council estate? I wonder what John Torode and Greg Wallace would have made of the food we were expected to eat?

“So what have you planned for starters Mrs O’Donnell?”

“My own home made soup Gregg.”

“That sounds wonderful love!”

“It does but we only have it on Sundays and since this is Friday then I can’t be bothered making a starter!”

“Fair enough love, what about your main course, how long is that going to be?”

“Oh about 30 seconds Gregg”

“30 seconds, that’s quite precise!”

“Well that’s because my husband is just coming in the door with the fish and chips”

If you come to our house on a Friday you had better like fish and chips. Like many other families we had it every week of every year that I lived with my parents. As for dessert, or pudding as we called it, that was only given out at lunch time.

Come to think of it, lunch was called dinner and dinner was called tea? No wonder I grew up confused.

Anyway pudding was a simple affair as John Torode would have discovered.

“So Mrs O’Donnell, what Scottish desert have you dreamed up for us tonight?”

“Well John, I have gone for custard three ways”

“Three ways?”

“Yes John. Plain, strawberry or banana!”

Instant custard, the saviour of the working mum.