Peter's Patter - A bad New Year

Hopefully you all had a great time, unlike 1984 when I had the worst New Year anyone could ever imagine. Let me tell you all about it.

My friend James convinced me to visit his Uncle in Glasgow as he always remembered having fantastic parties with wine, women and song aplenty.

I was still a teenager so it sounded pretty good to me as we boarded the Hogmanay special from Greenock to Glasgow for the party of a lifetime that I would never ever forget. Well, I never ever did.

We arrived at his Uncle’s flat after 10pm, hoping to catch the start of the party.

The house was strangely quiet as his auntie showed us into the living room where his uncle informed us that he hadn’t had a New Year’s party for years.

This was a setback but his auntie, bless her, promised to get some crisps and nuts and round up the neighbours while his uncle went looking for some beers.

Meanwhile we went across the road to the pub where James remembered having a whale of a time with his cousins.

Now I know exactly where this pub is in Glasgow but in fear of my life I will not name it, instead I will call it the Ponderosa because it was reminded me of the Wild West, all that was missing was a spittoon.

You could have cut the atmosphere with a knife, which was appropriate since most of the clientele were carrying them.

The barman handed us our first two pints and said “make these your last!” which wasn’t easy as I was shaking so much that I couldn’t even lift the glass to my mouth.

I reckoned I would need a straw to drink the beer but this was the kind of place that would lynch a man that asked for a straw with his drink.

After spilling most of my drink we made a hasty exit back to the flat where we were greeted by the sight of his uncle passed out on the couch with an empty bottle of vodka beside him.

His auntie then showed up inviting us to a party in the flat below. She had obviously dressed for the occasion as the make-up was caked on. She thought she looked great but I thought she looked like the Joker from Batman.

We went downstairs and were ushered into a flat that was full of pensioners! So whilst the rest of my friends partied into the night I partied with the cast of Cocoon. A guid New Year indeed.