Gazette Letters - Another viewpoint on Domestic Violence

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Two weeks ago the Gazette featured a story about the rise of Domestic Violence incidents in the Western Isles.

The story received good feedback online, sparking a debate on our Facebook page.

We also received this feedback (below) via email, which offers some interesting points.

The author does not wish to be identified, but I thought their points were worth presenting to the readership, to perhaps help open minds to other views on the subject.

Melinda Gillen - Editor

Your report on Domestic Violence (Gazette, December 20th) is very much as I would expect given that neither the police, the courts, the media or the politicians have the faintest idea of just what DV consists of; such as how it starts, how it follows people around and how the psychology of the man and the woman both play a part in the outcome.

Society, for good reasons to do with human survival does not want to face the undercurrent of confusing values where female instinct is ‘in the dock’ and the suggestion that some women could even seek and fuel toxic relationships is close to committing an act of terrorism.

The laws on safeguarding are regularly flouted with men being fast routed to court for things that would never even get a woman arrested.

Older women tell you how it was. They more commonly cite their mother as the ‘one in control’ who everybody feared.

They speak of dads who may give you a slap but of mums, who “once they started hitting you - couldn’t stop”.

We all feel deeply uncomfortable about dealing with women who are habitually aggressive or violent. Society tends to shrug its shoulders and walk away, leaving them to do it again and again. With men, well they get arrested – mostly.

It’s so much harder to countenance the thought that some women may be looking for trouble.

The women I speak of often suffer from psychological dissociation and had parents who fought like cat and dog - perhaps with one or the other having some kind of personality disorder.

These women can seem as if two people in one. They can be full of fun, loving and passionate (in nice mode). In nasty mode, they are entirely different to the former description.

They can become a woman having with a different entity emerging and controlling them. The change is marked. They seek war. They want a fight or argument and the man who made love to them is now confronted with someone who seems to want to destroy them (at those times).

These women scream. They are triggered by the smallest slight against them. They change facts in what we call ‘confabulations’ – mismatches of facts, in a way that causes them to believe anything they say.

You can be easily taken in by them. They are called ‘strong and wrong’ They use false accusations with power and conviction.

When I have trained men not to argue or challenge their partners, occasionally, instead of there now being peace in the home, the man can end up injured.

In one case, a man had to lock himself in a bedroom. She (the victim) according to earlier police reports, then - first broke open the door then broke his jaw.

Up to this point the assumption by all involved for many weeks was that he was the ‘perpetrator’.

At last it was realised that she had previously been bruised only while he was frantically attempting to defend himself.

The police, eager to support the view that women are generally victims, simply carried out their usual approach.

There are so many strands to this problem. It is a complex area. It takes a lot of learning and a lot of understanding. The subject challenges so many given assumptions.

Does this mean that men never cause domestic violence? No, not at all.

There are many damaged men too and when a man gets violent he can be frightening and destructive. Many women who played little or no part in the anger suffer terrible ordeals and must be protected.

What I am saying is that the figures of women involved in the creation of an ‘incident’ are far higher than reported and therefore it is long overdue that we examine this whole area with a genuine and impartial focus on causes and solutions.

People, such as those mentioned above, desperately need help that simply is not there. My compassion is there for all - especially the children who witness the fights.

Submitted via email