The risks of taking on a pensioner determined to get at the jammy doughnuts!

Picture the scene. A mainland Tesco superstore, the security guard leaning against a wall, bored as can be with a half empty shop early in the morning.
Now that's got us running to pop the kettle on.Now that's got us running to pop the kettle on.
Now that's got us running to pop the kettle on.

Then, in the distance, he hears the faint sound of the theme tune from ‘Rocky III’.

“Baba, ba. Baba ba” gets louder and louder until around the corner he sees 40 immunised, socially distant pensioners heading his way. It looks like an audition for ‘Still Game: The Movie’ as he has never seen so many tweed caps in his life. He grabs his walkie-talkie and shouts “They’re back, they’re back!”

Over in the bakery they are panicking. There’s not enough jam doughnuts! A fresh batch of ring doughnuts is on it’s way to the shelves but the jam doughnuts will go to the wire. A bead of sweat drips down a forehead, “This is going to get ugly!”

Meanwhile the newly immunised pensioners are so happy to be back that they are walking down the aisles dancing to the slosh. “Hey, hey, hey, beautiful Sunday!”

Okay, It comes out a wee bit garbled due to the masks but onwards they dance to the fresh bakery aisle where a young staff member is poking his head round the corner, like a sniper watching for the enemy.

“They’re nearly here!” he shouts to the supervisor.”Go, go, go!” His team rush over to the aisle and throw the packs of jam doughnuts onto the shelves just in the nick of time as the pensioners descend and grab everything like a pack of hungry wolves that haven’t been fed all winter. Even David Attenborough would have struggled to describe this scene!

With their desires duly sated, the pensioners are almost back to normal. Well, normal for pensioners that is as they begin to roam the shop moaning about the butcher meat, the price of bread and the cleanliness of the aisles.

“Back to normal at last” says the store manager as he watches one old dear arguing with customer services as she tries to return a pack of raspberry tarts that she bought before lockdown.

Meanwhile, back in Greenock, I call my own favourite pensioners. My dad point blank refuses to divulge his whereabouts that morning but my mother bursts into laughter when I ask her if Dad has jam on his chin!

“It’s a beautiful day!”