Peter’s Patter - Aftershave Ocean

As my daughter buys her boyfriend some aftershave for his birthday I start to wonder if teenagers have really evolved since I was their age. I don’t see the point of aftershave.

Ask any bloke who has watched ‘Home Alone’ and he will tell you that the only reason they laughed at the scene where young Kevin splashes on aftershave and screams in agony, is that we have all been there before.

Whether it was your first shave, your first night out on the town or your first night out with the girlfriend after you shaved off your bum-fluff moustache, the agony you experience as you splash your dad’s cheap aftershave onto your face is one never to be repeated.

Mostly because after your first shave your face looked like it had been dragged through barbed wire and the alcohol in the aftershave burned into every creviceThe 80’s was a bad time for aftershave. Not only did they smell vile but they came with testosterone laden titles like Brut; Denim; Hi Karate; Old Spice; Savage and my personal favourite Pagan Man which probably never sold too well at Kenny Froggan’s.

80’s razor blades and 80’s aftershave were a bad mix. After my dad let me use his razor, for my first ever shave, I was amazed that he did not get arrested for assault with a deadly weapon. In those days razors were the equivalent of today’s potato peelers and that was the good ones!

The double edged blades came separate and had to be carefully attached to the razor. One slip and you could lose a finger.

If you are young you might not have heard of this or indeed believe a word I write so watch any old prison film and the blade that they slip into the soap so that another prisoner can attack someone is the same blade that I used for my first shave.

Teenager’s still throwing alcohol on their face to smell nice sounds like nothing has changed. Forget this macho nonsense and get some aftershave lotion or spray on some eau du toilet which is diluted aftershave.

You still smell the same and it stops you splashing on so much that flowers die when you walk in the room and your girlfriend chokes when you try to kiss her.

If you are worried that your friends will laugh at you for buying eau du toilet then don’t worry as it is just French for toilet water.

Just tell them you are so tough you prefer to smell of water from the toilet.

Well that strictly isn’t true. It really means ‘grooming water’ but that might be more difficult to explain.