Peter’s Patter - Say Aaaagh!

Once upon a time the nearest thing to a dental hygienist was someone popping round to your school with a free toothbrush and a tiny tube of Colgate.

Nowadays it is a blossoming profession with dental hygienist popping up all over the place.

I recently had the pleasure of trip to the hygienist. To be honest I am not so sure whether it was such a pleasure as having my mouth clamped open like a car bonnet whilst someone carries out a lengthy M.O.T on my teeth is hardly an occasion to look forward to.

Sure, the outcome is a healthy set of gnashers but boy did I have to suffer for it.

I don’t like going to the dentist at the best of times. Not because I am afraid, after all we have come a long way since the old days of the balding man in a white suit assaulting your mouth with a pair of stainless steel pliers.

My problem is that my teeth, though fully intact with hardly any fillings, are not exactly Hollywood shining white so I kind of feel like Ugly Betty putting herself forward for Miss America.

Twice a year I manage to overcome my lack of whiteness and more often than not I am given a clean bill of health and then sent off to the hygienist for a quick scale and polish.

I am glad it is only once or twice a year as I don’t think my face could handle any more pummelling.

At times my mouth was pulled so far apart that I must have resembled Wallace from Wallace and Gromit!

The scaling didn’t half make my eyes water as it felt like someone trying to tattoo my gums.

Forget sticking the dental suction tube in my mouth, I needed one on each cheek to sook away the tears that were streaming from my eyes!

The final insult came at the end. Despite complimenting my oral hygiene, she pointed out that I need to make sure that I cleaned my wisdom teeth at the back of my mouth.

Fair enough I thought but then from out of nowhere she said “It’s probably because you have a big head!”

What’s the size of my head got to do with brushing my teeth?

I could understand it if my arms were too small to reach my mouth but a big head? I spent the rest of the day measuring other people’s heads just to see if she had a point.

Maybe I’ll just get Gromit to make me a special toothbrush!